Chosen

So, the time for choice came.

Last week, we packed up the kids and hopped on a plane to Florida to see my parents. We try to go every year. In the past five years, I only missed the year where I was 8 months pregnant when we would visit. And, truth be told, I could have gone then, but I didn't want to deal with a crazy two-year-old on an eight hour flight.

Monday, Volunteers of America called with the offer. It was top of their range, but their benefits were so weak that it ended up being $800 less a month than the other job at the same salary. I asked for 24 hours to decide.

Tuesday PSU told me they needed a few more days before they could make a decision. I hadn't yet heard from Papa Murphy's but they were my last choice and most likely offer, so I kept them tucked in my back pocket.

I was stuck. So at the airport, I called VOA and told them I had several offers and I wanted the opportunity to weigh all of them before making a final decision. I explained that I was still very interested, but I just wanted to make an informed choice.

At the Houston airport, between flights, I checked my messages. VOA left a voicemail saying that since I wasn't able to give them an answer they were going to move on.

I felt my mouth drop open, looking at Dane while I listened. Somehow, I hadn't expected that response. Once I heard it, I realized it was a reasonable risk, but I had the feeling I was their only real solid candidate. I thought that I was good enough to be worth waiting on. Obviously, I wasn't.

So I had blown my first real job offer, and it being the first job I really wanted. Wanted more than the other options. I could have called then and there and asked them to reconsider, say that I would take it all back, but I didn't want to do that. Even before the other job offers, when I did the math on VOA, I realized my salary wouldn't be terribly more than unemployment at the end of the day and since we weren't making the bills on unemployment, I didn't think we would be able to make the bills with them. Just the damn insurance, but it pushed it over the edge.

We got into Florida late that first night and I didn't mention anything to my parents that night, but I was spinning. The next day, I checked my email. Papa Murphy's emailled saying that a key person was out of town til the next day. PSU emailled saying they wouldn't be deciding until the end of the week.

The next day, there was nothing. Finally, on Friday, I called. I got voicemail for PSU. I got the HR person at Papa Murphy's. She said she was hestitating on calling me because they couldn't offer the salary I wanted, but they wanted to extend the offer. I asked if she could see if they could get a bit more.

I cried. I got the job offer, but I didn't want it. It would be the same thing I had been doing the past ten years, or close enough to it, and I was so bored of it. Even though I really liked the company, really liked the people I met, and felt confident I could be successful and have opportunities to move on within a couple years, I just didn't want it.

I went out to dinner with my parents and the kids. While I was changing Reed in the Women's room, I got the call from PSU. Luckily, the connection was bad so I hung up, slapped on a new diaper on Reed, dropped him off with the grandparents and went outside to call back.

They wanted me. They offered less than Papa Murphy's but the benefits were so good that in the end it wasn't than much of a difference. I asked for more, but they said they already tried. I accepted.

I was relieved. It was done. It was an excrutiating week, but it was over. I had three offers and accepted the one I thought was the best fit on money and challenge. Even when Papa Murphy's came back and offered much more than they first had, I was sure I didn't want to go with them and confident in my decision.

Now, though, a week later, I still question if I made the right decision. Not for Papa Murphy's, but for VOA. Maybe I could have made it work? Maybe the salary would have been alright.

I hate having choices. Even at a restaurant, I'll choose a couple items from the menu and only decide once the waitress takes the order and often I'm surprised by my choice. If VOA had given me the time, would I have chosen them? Maybe. They were the most flexible. The closest to home. The most creative. The most in line with my values. I would have had more time with my kids (every other Friday off which the other two being people-management, wouldn't concede to). I wouldn't have the stress of managing people. I would have been doing work I really loved.

But it didn't seem worth poverty. Well, maybe not poverty, but not comfort, certainly. But, had they been my only choice, would I have found a way to make it work?

So I'm left feeling less than confident in my decision. The last job, my Nike job eleven years ago, I was feeling elated. It was a creative job that was more money than I'd ever made doing something I had no qualifications for but every enthusiasm to do. I was single, I only had myself to consider. The only negative was the commute.

Now, after a year of unemployment, I was looking at jobs that were all less money than I was used to making and I needed to consider my husband and kids in the decision. Dane had been very supportive during the job hunt, not pressuring me to make the money I had and instead pursue something I wanted. But, in the end, the burden was still on me. His income, his benefits, were fixed. It was my choice that would effect our lives.

I'm left with a feeling of limbo. I couldn't afford the job I wanted, but got the job I chose.

The thing is, I have very little idea of what the PSU job actually is. It was very cryptic in its description and I'm still not sure. I know there's lots of budgeting. I know I manage a staff or 4 or 5 people who do jobs I know nothing about. But, I am excited to be immersed in the world of academics. I'm curious to be part of such a large, unfamiliar, organization with deans and chairs and professors instead of VP's and business directors and designers. I'm excited to partner with an academic (I'm the department manager, my boss is the "chair" who is a professor who is assigned for a limited time to running the department). I'm eager to leave my mark and make things better. And, I'm thinking of getting a master's degree while I'm at it - hard not to with nearly free tuition.

But, was it the right decision? Do we ever know? We make our choices and never get to review how it would have been if we went the other direction. It was funny, when facing the decision, I told Dane I had never been unsure of my decisions before. It had always seemed fated. It wasn't until days later, sitting with that statement and reviewing my memories, I realized I had agonized over every decision and the "fated" feeling only came after when everything fell together like it was meant to be. Hell, even my choice to be with Dane came after a year of wavering to the point of regular break-ups every six weeks. My choices were never easy. But after they always felt right. But, in reality, we never know.

I don't think I'll regret sacrificing for my family. There are some things that are non-negotiable. I'll never settle for cheap daycare. I've experienced cheap daycare in the two months after Dane first found a job when Quinn was ten months old. Even though it was "fine", "fine" was awful. I will never settle for mediocre daycare. And, I don't want to struggle financially. We're not lavish people and struggling is just too stressful.

But, I will always wonder a little about the one who got away. Maybe in another month, I'll be loving my job, who knows? I just wish I knew.

And I also am agonizing that I didn't find the career of my dreams after being laid off. I had the fantasy that that was what layoffs did. But, I have a better idea and maybe after a few years in this job, i can work towards my dream job. But, i don't think this is the dream. But, it's the reality.