Chosen

So, the time for choice came.

Last week, we packed up the kids and hopped on a plane to Florida to see my parents. We try to go every year. In the past five years, I only missed the year where I was 8 months pregnant when we would visit. And, truth be told, I could have gone then, but I didn't want to deal with a crazy two-year-old on an eight hour flight.

Monday, Volunteers of America called with the offer. It was top of their range, but their benefits were so weak that it ended up being $800 less a month than the other job at the same salary. I asked for 24 hours to decide.

Tuesday PSU told me they needed a few more days before they could make a decision. I hadn't yet heard from Papa Murphy's but they were my last choice and most likely offer, so I kept them tucked in my back pocket.

I was stuck. So at the airport, I called VOA and told them I had several offers and I wanted the opportunity to weigh all of them before making a final decision. I explained that I was still very interested, but I just wanted to make an informed choice.

At the Houston airport, between flights, I checked my messages. VOA left a voicemail saying that since I wasn't able to give them an answer they were going to move on.

I felt my mouth drop open, looking at Dane while I listened. Somehow, I hadn't expected that response. Once I heard it, I realized it was a reasonable risk, but I had the feeling I was their only real solid candidate. I thought that I was good enough to be worth waiting on. Obviously, I wasn't.

So I had blown my first real job offer, and it being the first job I really wanted. Wanted more than the other options. I could have called then and there and asked them to reconsider, say that I would take it all back, but I didn't want to do that. Even before the other job offers, when I did the math on VOA, I realized my salary wouldn't be terribly more than unemployment at the end of the day and since we weren't making the bills on unemployment, I didn't think we would be able to make the bills with them. Just the damn insurance, but it pushed it over the edge.

We got into Florida late that first night and I didn't mention anything to my parents that night, but I was spinning. The next day, I checked my email. Papa Murphy's emailled saying that a key person was out of town til the next day. PSU emailled saying they wouldn't be deciding until the end of the week.

The next day, there was nothing. Finally, on Friday, I called. I got voicemail for PSU. I got the HR person at Papa Murphy's. She said she was hestitating on calling me because they couldn't offer the salary I wanted, but they wanted to extend the offer. I asked if she could see if they could get a bit more.

I cried. I got the job offer, but I didn't want it. It would be the same thing I had been doing the past ten years, or close enough to it, and I was so bored of it. Even though I really liked the company, really liked the people I met, and felt confident I could be successful and have opportunities to move on within a couple years, I just didn't want it.

I went out to dinner with my parents and the kids. While I was changing Reed in the Women's room, I got the call from PSU. Luckily, the connection was bad so I hung up, slapped on a new diaper on Reed, dropped him off with the grandparents and went outside to call back.

They wanted me. They offered less than Papa Murphy's but the benefits were so good that in the end it wasn't than much of a difference. I asked for more, but they said they already tried. I accepted.

I was relieved. It was done. It was an excrutiating week, but it was over. I had three offers and accepted the one I thought was the best fit on money and challenge. Even when Papa Murphy's came back and offered much more than they first had, I was sure I didn't want to go with them and confident in my decision.

Now, though, a week later, I still question if I made the right decision. Not for Papa Murphy's, but for VOA. Maybe I could have made it work? Maybe the salary would have been alright.

I hate having choices. Even at a restaurant, I'll choose a couple items from the menu and only decide once the waitress takes the order and often I'm surprised by my choice. If VOA had given me the time, would I have chosen them? Maybe. They were the most flexible. The closest to home. The most creative. The most in line with my values. I would have had more time with my kids (every other Friday off which the other two being people-management, wouldn't concede to). I wouldn't have the stress of managing people. I would have been doing work I really loved.

But it didn't seem worth poverty. Well, maybe not poverty, but not comfort, certainly. But, had they been my only choice, would I have found a way to make it work?

So I'm left feeling less than confident in my decision. The last job, my Nike job eleven years ago, I was feeling elated. It was a creative job that was more money than I'd ever made doing something I had no qualifications for but every enthusiasm to do. I was single, I only had myself to consider. The only negative was the commute.

Now, after a year of unemployment, I was looking at jobs that were all less money than I was used to making and I needed to consider my husband and kids in the decision. Dane had been very supportive during the job hunt, not pressuring me to make the money I had and instead pursue something I wanted. But, in the end, the burden was still on me. His income, his benefits, were fixed. It was my choice that would effect our lives.

I'm left with a feeling of limbo. I couldn't afford the job I wanted, but got the job I chose.

The thing is, I have very little idea of what the PSU job actually is. It was very cryptic in its description and I'm still not sure. I know there's lots of budgeting. I know I manage a staff or 4 or 5 people who do jobs I know nothing about. But, I am excited to be immersed in the world of academics. I'm curious to be part of such a large, unfamiliar, organization with deans and chairs and professors instead of VP's and business directors and designers. I'm excited to partner with an academic (I'm the department manager, my boss is the "chair" who is a professor who is assigned for a limited time to running the department). I'm eager to leave my mark and make things better. And, I'm thinking of getting a master's degree while I'm at it - hard not to with nearly free tuition.

But, was it the right decision? Do we ever know? We make our choices and never get to review how it would have been if we went the other direction. It was funny, when facing the decision, I told Dane I had never been unsure of my decisions before. It had always seemed fated. It wasn't until days later, sitting with that statement and reviewing my memories, I realized I had agonized over every decision and the "fated" feeling only came after when everything fell together like it was meant to be. Hell, even my choice to be with Dane came after a year of wavering to the point of regular break-ups every six weeks. My choices were never easy. But after they always felt right. But, in reality, we never know.

I don't think I'll regret sacrificing for my family. There are some things that are non-negotiable. I'll never settle for cheap daycare. I've experienced cheap daycare in the two months after Dane first found a job when Quinn was ten months old. Even though it was "fine", "fine" was awful. I will never settle for mediocre daycare. And, I don't want to struggle financially. We're not lavish people and struggling is just too stressful.

But, I will always wonder a little about the one who got away. Maybe in another month, I'll be loving my job, who knows? I just wish I knew.

And I also am agonizing that I didn't find the career of my dreams after being laid off. I had the fantasy that that was what layoffs did. But, I have a better idea and maybe after a few years in this job, i can work towards my dream job. But, i don't think this is the dream. But, it's the reality.

1 offer in, 2 to go...

VOA offered me the position. I was so awkward on the phone, knowing the other two pending offers are hovering out there - possibly.

I called PSU and told them I had an offer and was wondering when they were going to make a decision so that I can give an answer to the first. I just got voicemails, so it's a drag. I called the one person three times today, only leaving one voicemail though and hoping she wasn't screening her calls.

Papa Murphy's I'll wait out until I hear from PSU.

Right now I'm ranking PSU, then Papa, then VOA. Even though VOA is my favorite as far as the work, I just can't afford it. It sucks, really. But, I'm sure the other jobs would be fine. Just not quite as good. But, I have my family to figure in and I don't want to be poor if I don't have to be.

So, I'll keep you posted!

Choice

I think I have an offer.

I had my interview with Papa Murphy's this morning. I met with the boss' boss and his colleague. They seemed very nice. Then they brought me back to meet with the manager again and he was talking like I was in the role: "you'll want to meet with this person, you could do that, etc." It felt like I was it. Then they took me to HR. The woman cut to the chase. She said,

so the job was posted at this amount, but we want to know how much it would take to get you because we don't want to lose you. we don't want you to get an offer from another company in a year that's more money and end up losing you.

So, I put it on the table. I said how much I wanted - still less than my Nike salary by a good bit, but quite a bit more than Volunteers of America and who the hell knows what PSU is going to pay, but more than that.

Then I told her that I would like to work 9 hour days and have every other Friday off. I said that I realized that it's probably not realistic for the position, at least not at first, but that would be a big incentive for me.

So she said she was going to talk to everyone and get it sorted out and get back to me today.

She didn't.

That's OK, I figure I put her on the spot by asking for $15,000 more than what the job was posted for and the rest. But, if they want the honest truth, that's what it would take to get me at this point. They're not the only offer on the table.

One of my references told me that Volunteers of America called him yesterday and that PSU called him today. Another reference told me Volunteers of America called her today (which I knew because i accidentally gave them the wrong number and had to call with the right one!).

I'm trying to remember whether in all my years of hiring if I ever called more than one person's references. It almost always was just calling the person I was offering. I don't think it was ever between two people and so I called both references.

So, if that train of thinking is correct, I believe I should be getting offers from both.

Then, at 4:50pm I missed a call on my cell phone. I checked my phone at 5:30 (I had been playing dinosaur attack in the basement) and it was Volunteers of America saying she really wanted to talk to me. I could call her back in the next 10 minutes (which had passed) or call on Monday.

So, I am thinking Monday is going to be an interesting day.

I feel literally cramped about the whole situation. How do I choose. As I sat in the Papa Murphy's interview, I thought, hey, this would be kinda cool, I like this place, I like the people, it would be easy for me to make a huge impact immediately and then just grow and learn about marketing and communications. I could do this job and be happy.

But that's how I felt about PSU.

And I totally felt that with VOA.

So which do I choose?

VOA is the job that I would like the best. It would have writing in it, I would love the people, I would be proud of my work and love what I was doing. I would be challenged. I would be close enough to come home at lunch and put dinner in the crock pot.

But I don't know if we'd be able to pay all our bills. I would be paying almost $1000 a MONTH for insurance, which takes the already low salary down another $10K when you figure that in.

PSU is a job that would be fine. Not thrilling, not necessarily challenging once I learned it, just kind of crunching numbers, supervising a staff and dealing with the administrative side of a university department. They still have a christmas tree up in a lobby. But i realized if i looked past the tree and looked past the bare penitentiary-white walls, that the people were OK and the university setting was great. I had lunch downtown after the interview and was serenaded by a wandering musician - and he was great. I didn't have any cash, so I gave him a card for a free cup of coffee that had been long forgotten in my wallet. It was wonderful. And it would be amazing benefits. Amazing. And it's a state job which would open me up to all sorts of potential opportunities.

Then there's Papa Murphy's. I would like the job fine, but it's also the job I've been doing for the past ten years, just in a difference place. I would do fine with it, and quickly, once I got a handle on the group, I could branch out and get into other parts of the business. I could work my way up there quickly, i think.

Maybe the reason all the jobs sound appealing is because I am just ready for a job. I'm ready to contribute. But to what?

I guess I just have to hear what all the offers are and type them into my spreadsheet and then choose. It'll probably be like how I order something at a restaurant. i pick two or three things off the menu, not sure of what I want and then I don't think about it. When the waitress comes to take our order, whatever pops out of my mouth then is what i get, and it's usually the right choice. I am thinking it'll go something like that.

Dramatic Turn of Events

Well, a turn of opinion anyway.

Today, I had my second interview with PSU. I wasn't looking forward to it. This was the place that still had the Christmas Tree up in the lobby. It just felt dank and depressing. Today, however, felt ... different.

I met with the Chair - the current Chair, who is leaving and the one who is probably replacing her. I don't totally understand what a "Chair" is, but I think it's a faculty member who agrees to be the administrative head for awhile. Both were Eastern European and the questions seemed like no-brainers. I think I do well in interviews. I'm relaxed, conversational. Maybe I have an overly high opinion of myself, but I'm pretty confident in my ability to do any of the jobs I've been applying for, so I think I come across well.

Then I met with the Dean. He was lovely. We discussed our philosophies of management and academia and he was just wonderful. If I were reporting to him, it would be more appealing. But, at least the college is all under his leadership.

Then I met with an Accounting person (a lot of budgeting work in this job - whoo hoo). She, too, was lovely and personable. She's new to PSU and she really likes it there.

They'll be in touch with me soon.

According to my friend in HR, it's between me and one other person. The other person is the temp they had in place who no one liked, especially the Dean. I knew this going into it and so I asked the Dean why the position was open. He said that they had a temp in the position and they could have hired the temp or opened the position up for someone new, so he decided to open it up. To me, that sounds like she's not in the running as far as he's concerned.

Yesterday, I was all for Volunteers of America. I would be helping people, I would be writing (grants) and it would be oh so close to home that I could come home at lunch, get dinner put together and go back to work after a stroll around the prettiest park in the city. They would probably be flexible with my schedule. But, now, I'm not so sure.

PSU pays $5000-10,000 more and pays 100% family benefits and pension. For VOA, I would have to pay over $10,000 a year for insurance. So that's a $20,000 difference. Plus, tuition. Tuition! It's $30/credit or $400 per term for FT. Crazy! I could get a master's. I could get a bunch of master's or a doctorate or pick and choose. I could get an MFA in writing and then a MA in counseling and anything else that caught my fancy. I could go to lectures during my lunch hour. And the gym is 5 blocks away. And I could take the max (which is subsidized). I could get student discounts on all sorts of things. Oh, and 3 weeks vacation PLUS 3 weeks sick leave (cough, cough, can't come in today - please disregard the sound of the ocean in the background). Suddenly, Nike's amazing benefits don't seem so amazing anymore.

But, I don't know if they'd go for the every other Friday off. I really really want that. If they offer me the position, I would try to negotiate it, but I suspect I wouldn't get it. That would be a bummer.

Tomorrow is Papa Murphy's. I'll see what they have to offer. I suspect it's more money. Their benefits aren't bad, but they're nowhere near PSU level. If I don't get any offer by any of them by Monday, I am going to be going nuts. Tuesday we leave to visit my parents in Florida.


which had a big impact on my outlook. The job seems much better than it had originally and I met some great people in the department. Then I talked to my friend in HR who told me that PSU pays 100% medical, dentail, vision for the whole family plus they contribute 100% to pension, plus transportation fees, plus crazy crazy rates for tuition. So, to my surprise, I'm now leaning towards PSU. The bummer is that I don't think I could do the every-other Friday off, which would be too bad. But, I might just ask anyway!

I haven't heard from Volunteers of America yet. Seems weird. But their benefits were rough, financially. It would have a big impact on the total compensation. We'll see.

I have second interview for Papa Murphy's tomorrow.

Please let me know if anyone contacts you. As always, I appreciate the reference.

Cathy

Interview, interview

Tomorrow at 9:30 I have the PSU interview. It's between me and one other person. I have a friend on the inside and she's told me that the other person is the person that they fired in the first place. Strange. But also goes to show that they're not the most well organized group.

I just got a call for a second (third, including phone screen) with Papa Murphy's. Friday again, so they'll be wearing their Papa Murphy's polos. Another two hour interview.

And, still no word from Volunteers of America. I also haven't heard from any of my References about them calling. Weird. With all the other interviews going on, i kinda feel like the girl who is going out with all these guys, but waiting on the one guy to ask her to prom. But he still hasn't called.

Housecleaning...Not going so well

Yesterday I was inspired. I read about the Happy Slob and got inspired to get the house clean. After all, it's just 10 minutes. 10 minutes of a quick clean in the morning, 10 minutes in the evening and 10 minutes of a focus room at some point in the day. No problem.

So I start with the kitchen. However, there was something getting in the way. Two somethings.

"Mom, I'm a Spectral Tarsiay!" To which I had to respond or else that phrase would be repeated over and over until infinity.
"Mom, can you help me take my pants off."
"Mom, I just spilled"

So I go in the livingroom to deal with Quinn. When I come back into the kitchen, Reed has taken everything out of the toy tool drawer (one of the most brilliant things we did was take the tool drawer in the kitchen and dedicate it to toy tools) and spread them across the floor. I start to pick those up. I start to clean again.

Quinn needs something again, so I go in the living room. He's pulled all his stickers out of his woodland book and they're on the rug. I come back in the kitchen. The tools are all on the floor again.

The kitchen went uncleaned.

I think I'll try again in a couple years.

My job search

It's interesting. I've been writing all about the housewifing side of being home, but not the other big side - looking for a job. It hasn't been pretty.


So I've divided the three days a week that the boys are in daycare to the three main chunks of my life right now - Housewifing, writing (mostly the memoir but I'm going to expand to all aspects of my writing life), and looking for work.

I started looking for work, "for real," after the holidays. It was quiet at first but then in the past month it's been nuts. I've been interviewing for four different positions at four different places.

Interviewing is exhausting. All the selling yourself gets really tiring. Last Friday I had a first interview that took over two hours because I met separately with two different people.

One, I didn't get. It was a fun one. The Pear Bureau - a non-profit marketing organization that supports the pear growers in Oregon and Washington. It would have been a lot of communication (aka writing), some design, and lots of events. It was low pay but I would be writing, it would be fun and casual and I would get to travel a lot. Unfortunately, they didn't hire me. I was the second choice, but they felt I was overqualified and would be bored after six months. They felt it wouldn't be fair to me. I get it. It makes sense. But I think it would have been fun, but that I probably would have gotten bored with it after awhile. And, it was a sucky commute, so at least I don't have to deal with that after 11 years of awful commuting.

The one I'm most hopeful for is Volunteers of America. In fact, given the choice between Pears or VOA, I probably would have chosen VOA. It's a non-profit organization helping all sorts of people - homeless, elderly, poor, addicted. It does great work. I had worked in social work before Nike and had told myself that I'd work in a big corporation for a couple years to learn, and then come back to non-profit and apply what I learned. So, it took a little more than a couple years, but it would feel good to actually be back on that plan.

The position is grant writing and process developent. I would get to do writing (yay) and develop my grant writing skills (very marketable). I love process development - it's my "thing." The job description was kind of weak, but then when I interviewed the actuality of the job sounded great. Unlike Pears, where it would have been below my skill level, this will require brainstorming with the director, process development, autonomy, initiative, drive, problem-solving - and I love all that stuff.

And what a difference in the vibe of a non-profit vs. a huge corporation like Nike. Everyone's friendly, genuine, relaxed. Relaxed! And they're the ones dealing with people with addictions and problems that seem insurmountable. You go into a big corporation and everything and everyone is all polished and slick. Even Nike, even though I would wear jeans and tee shirts to work, there was still this high-powered, intense, competitive vibe going on. It would be lovely to work in a place that was the opposite of that.

I've had two interviews and they seemed to go really well. They're checking references this week, so that has to be a good thing, right? The pay is crap, but that's to be expected. I think I can probably negotiate working 9 hour days and have every other Friday off and have Dane do the same so that we can have the kids in daycare 4 days a week instead of 5. That would be huge. And I would enjoy the work and feel good about what I'm doing and would be proud for my kids to know that I help people for a living.

Oh, and it's 2 miles away and across from one of the loveliest parks in the city.

There's that and then there's PSU for a department manager. I'm one of two finalists. Interview is Thursday. I thought a Univerity job would be idyllic, but it was kind of bleak. Off-campus, very office-building feeling, dark, drab - they still had a Christmas tree up. I asked one of the staff who would be reporting to me what she liked or didn't like about her previous managers. She said she had 3 managers in the past 3 years - that's saying something. And there's no creativity in the job. Just management. I thought that would be okay with me but apparently it's not.

And then Papa Murphy's. Yes, Papa Murphy's take and bake pizza. No, not making pizzas (thank god I'm not at that point yet) but as design manager. I've had the phone screen and the first interview. It would be a snap since it's the same job as I've done for the past 8 years but on a smaller scale. And that would be better money and all that. But, it would be the same thing as I've been doing for the past eight years and that just doesn't seem inspiring.

Luckily all the jobs lined up to be around the same time so I should have a good amount of information on all of them before I get an offer or have to accept anything.

So, I'll keep you posted. I should hear more this week!

Studying Housewifery

So I realized that I'm studying how to be a housewife, and I find that mildly disturbing and mostly amusing.

For most things in my life, I refer to books. Whether it's something that sparked my interest or something I don't know how to handle or when I need to make a big decision - I go to books and study the subject as a way to sort out my thoughts around it.

It was when I checked out a book on housecleaning from the local library that I realized I was doing the same thing with the housewife thing. First, there were the cooking books. Then, the parenting books, and, lastly, now the housecleaning books.

But, I am not ashamed. They have all been a huge help! I love it. There is so much to learn about. I figured that these are things that a person should know how to do, and so if you don't know how to do it, there's nothing you can do to help your situation. But, today, there's information on how to do everything so why not on how to be a housewife! If I wasn't taught how to be a housewife by my mom, it's not my fault. And, why, she didn't teach me things I don't know. She's just not that way. But, I wish she did.

I remember my birthmother remarking how amazing it was when she showed her stepson how to clean. She was always frustrated when she asked him to clean because he did a bad job of it. It took her awhile, but she finally figured out she had to teach him how to do it. It seems obvious to me, but I guess it's not. All things are taught whether directly or indirectly.

So, these are a few gems I found in the Housewifery canon:

Cooking

• Cooking Light Magazine (always has quick recipes that are healthy. though i modify most of them. some are a little too from scratch. also great online resource)
• Rachel Ray's Magazine. What I like is that she'll give you a menu for the whole week along with a shopping list. That was a stroke of brilliance.

Parenting

• Love and Logic. Brilliant. How to discipline in a very calm way that's effective. The biggest part was it changes you from yelling and fighting to simple consequences.
• Supernanny. Yes, Supernanny is great. She has so many things that are helpful - schedule, consequences, tone of voice, playing with the kids, being united with your partner. I just wish she had it all written down in a book - hey - maybe she does. Duh! Of course she does. OK, just ordered it from the library.

Housecleaning

• No Hassle Housecleaning. This is a book from a blog (what book isn't starting as a blog these days?). The blog was from the "Happy Slob" and I relate to the author instantly. She isn't happy about housecleaning, so she figured out how to do it at the most minimal effective level so that you can back to your life. I liked that a lot. Plus, she is very much on the side of natural ingredients without preaching it, so that lines up with me too.

We'll see how the housecleaning reform goes. It's the last of the big three that I've listed. I feel like I have pretty firm footing on the other two. But housecleaning just isn't my thing. Even when I had all day to clean up the house when our daycare provider was coming for a "home visit," I just couldn't pull it together. I get distracted. I get overwhelmed. I realized that day that I'm not good at it and I need help. It was the first time I could laugh with my husband at my being bad at it and not feel guilty about it. Because the biggest part is simply that I don't know HOW to do it. I'm hoping the book will change that. And change me. We'll see.

What does it all mean?

I've been so out of blogging, it took me awhile to find my blog. In the meantime, I came across this.
http://www.howtodothings.com/family-relationships/how-to-be-a-housewife

It's a posting of how to be a housewife from a current point of view, on "how to do things.com". I think this article is fascinating because the duties are still so much like the 1950's, just stated a little differently. And the author writes "career woman" like it's a dirty word. Notice how "taking care of yourself" is the very very last thing on the list.

How To Be a Housewife

By Staff Contributor

(my comments are in orange)

The term housewife is rarely used these days, given the emergence of corporate career women/mothers. (They make it sound like the "corporate career women" killed off the housewife, and that that was a bad thing?)But nothing beats the home manned by a very competent housewife. While you as an aspiring housewife may have to give up many things for yourself (OK, yes, but really, do you have to? really? can't you have both? and why to they seem to imply that it is unreasonable and selfish to have things for yourself?) , the perks include having a fulfilling family life and leaving a heritage of properly raising individuals in society. Here are the steps to help you become a very successful housewife:

1. Be the temporal affairs expert. That includes cooking and household chores. You can choose not to do them on your own and have your kids take turns (as long as they are of age, this is good training for them for adulthood). You need to be able to do most of the domestic tasks within a given day. Your work may not be the type with titles but it actually may be more harrowing than corporate or clerical tasks that career women are known for. Actually, they don't get it. It's not more harrowing. It's more BORING. Corporate life can be exciting. There's drama, politics, deadlines, crucial decisions. And the bad part of corporate life is that there's drama, politics, deadlines, crucial decisions. It's not that it's more "harrowing" to be a housewife. It's just boring.
   If you're coming out of a career into being a housewife, you have to adapt to tedium.
   
2. Manage your time. The good thing about being a housewife is that you are the boss of your time. But then, your time is for your family and not exclusively yours. What you do with your time affects not only you, but also your kids and your husband. Manage your time accordingly. Time? What time? They make it sound like you'll have all this time and you'll have to make sure you're dedicating it to your family. Like you have a choice?
   
3. Keep your kids’ and husband’s health in check. Make sure that you are able to keep up with dental, medical and other appointments that will keep your whole family in good shape. These things are valuable especially since it will help you avoid health disasters and needless hospitalizations. Yes, and you'll have to be on hold for a half hour and when you finally get to talk to someone your kids will be screaming, crying and pulling at the phone.
   
4. Learn home remedies. You can’t always expect the convenience store to give you everything. Some saline solution like a pinch of salt and warm water may do wonders for the throat as well as a huge dose of antibiotic. Learn home remedies and you will save more. Because your time is so worthless that you will save more by making something at home rather than picking it up quickly.
   
5. Cultivate a happy home atmosphere. Keep the love and joy alive in the home by engaging the entire family with activities such as games, wholesome discussions at the dining table and many others. Sure, you will need the help of your entire family. But it is ideal for you to initiate and get things rolling. Actually, this has been my favorite part of being home. We now have lots of activities that are fun for everyone. We do art at the kitchen table and have a cabinet dedicated to kids art supplies. It was sad to hand over my unused art supplies to my kids, but at least I get to do it with them.
   
6. Plan your menu in advance. What your family eats dictates what they are, physically. Make sure you have a menu that follows the healthy daily allowance standards.
7. Set recreation schedules outside the home. While you make an effort to make home very happy, make sure there is still time and budget for outdoor recreation. Camping, malling and other trips enhance your bonds as a family. What, was this written in Jersey? Since when does "mall" have the verb "malling"? "Let's go malling, kids!"
   
8. Learn the SSS: Sewing, small repairs and superb decorations. Your husband will not always be there to do the minor plumbing tasks. Some of your kids’ clothing may need a little fine tuning. And your home may need a makeover from time to time. Learn the necessary skills to be able to work more independently. No. I don't sew, that's what the dry cleaner is for. Small repairs can wait for the weekend/husband. And "superb decorations". Come on. Are we really going back to moms trying to be martha?
   
9. Be practical with the budget. Employ budgeting software. Pay your bills on time to avoid any disconnection issues. And make sure that the family has an emergency fund. Fine, as long as you have plenty of money. Otherwise, figuring out how to pay one thing while waiting on the other will have to do.
   
10. Don’t neglect yourself. You might have to fulfill roles as a wife and mother. But that does not mean you need to lose your whole being and sanity as you do so. Schedule your me time and make it non-negotiable. This is such a reminder of Nike's priorities, their "mission". Of their mission, one of them was that "People first". It too was last on their list til someone noticed the irony of it.
    

Before I could get started, is it coming to an end?

I'm back. And I want to start writing again. Maybe blogging isn't for me - I just can't seem to get on the track of writing every day, or even every week. But, I want to give it a fair shot.

Here's a posting I started a couple weeks ago:
I have a job interview today. Well, not an interview, a "conversation." That means, "We're pretty sure you're not right for the job, but we just want to make sure."

Facing the possibility of a job has me really lamenting the loss of being a housewife. I'm not done. I've hardly blogged on it, after all.

I've had a few accomplishments so far.

• I survived the torture of a 3-year-old.

From November 1st through December 5th we had to live in an apartment while we were remodeling our house. Quinn, our 3.5 year old, was devastated. He isn't self-aware enough to say that, of course. Instead, he screamed from morning til night. He hit, he bit, he scratched. I had to call Dane twice to come home from work because I was afraid I would lose it. He came home and I walked down 3 blocks to the bar. It was awful.

Three days before we were due to move back into our house, Quinn had a magical transformation. All of a sudden, he was lovely. He sat at the table during dinner, telling Dane and I animated stories about dinosaurs, at the same bar where I had ran to escape from him and Dane said, "Who are you and what have you done with Quinn?" It was Quinn. He was back. The demon that had possessed him during the remodel was gratefully, graciously gone. We have flashes of the demon at times when he's super tired or overly hungry, but they are flashes that are easily remedied with sleep or food. Home exorcised the demon.

• I've taken ownership of dinner

OK, I know this must come naturally to some people. You buy enough food for the week, you plan out what you're going to have, you know when to start cooking, etc. It was all foreign to me. It just wasn't in my DNA. So I approached it like anything that was new and different to me - I talked to people who seemed to be good at it.

There seem to be 2 camps. Camp 1 stocks up so that on any given night, they can have whatever they're in the mood for. Camp 2 is that each night is planned for given what is going on that week, that day, and that's what you have (Camp 3, my previous camp, is buy randomly, come home from work, look in the fridge and hope you'll find something that can be done in 15 minutes).

I actually have become Camp 2. I figure out what's going on during the week. For example, I know that Tuesdays it's just me and the boys and that Dane will be out so I can eat something that day that Dane considers unhealthy and "not good" - like hot dogs. Hot dogs with cheese and beans. Yum. It also makes sense to make it easy since I'm on my own that night.

The days I'm home i can do something that takes prep or takes a long time to bake. I have a regular date with a friend whose on her own with the kids on Thursdays, so I make dinner for them as well, so that's my big dinner. I know there will be days I slack and those are the days for leftovers. For the first time, I'm using up all the leftovers. And I know now that regardless of whatever I plan for Friday night, we're going to want to go out to dinner instead. That's a great revelation because now I plan it with friends, since we'll be going out anyway.

I still have good weeks and bad weeks as far as meal planning. But it's amazingly better. And I have dinner on the table and ready to go every night between 5:30 and 6 - even on the weekends. Feeding the family is now my gig. I miss it being a shared responsibility with the husband. In fact, before we had kids, he was more of the cook really. Especially holidays - he was the cook.

But, I get it - it's on me now. And Dane's just not good at planning - anything. And feeding the family is all about planning. Even when it's just to plan enough that the kids have to eat by 5:30 or else they will get cranky (and will progress to evil cranky), so that you have to stop the yardwork by 4:45, take 15 minutes to clean up/put things away and make dinner. If it were him, he would stop at 5:30. Just the way it is.

Hopefully, he'll still do the holiday dinners. And he's the breakfast guy. He's up at 6:30am no matter what. Even before the kids get up. Most days, he lets me sleep in a little while he gets breakfast ready for the kids. Most days, it's not just cereal either. It's either animal pancakes or letter pancakes (he did internet research to learn out the best way to do it - turkey baster) or yesterday - rainbow-colored pancakes. Or homemade oatmeal. Or smoothies. He loves it too. So I'm good being the dinner person.

• Schedule is not an option

I used plan what I wanted to do and try to fit the kids meals and naps and needs around it. Now I know to plan in the meals, naps and needs first and find activities that fit into the spaces in between.

It's gotten me almost to the other extreme. Last Saturday, Dane wanted us all to go to the gym at 11am. I was appalled. Lunch is 11:30am, Nap by 12:30, so if you want to go to the gym, you can't go later than 10am. Can't. Well, we did, and it was fine. Well, almost fine. Since then I've kept to that schedule, which is more convenient for me, and it's meant that Reed naps later and isn't tired for bed at the right time. So, it's OK for a one-time thing, but really, I need to keep on schedule or else all gets screwed up.


These are really my 3 big changes. I still suck at cleaning. I am so behind on bills that they scare me now. I can't find anything in the house and I really really really want a well-organized house. But, at least I've come this far.

And, I'm liking it. I'm liking being at home with the boys. I'm liking having dinner ready and feeling like I have a handle on how to handle our days. And I've had time to look for work now that the remodel is wrapping up. So, now I'm interviewing. Now that I'm liking it, is it all going to suddenly end?
~~~~~~~~~~~

Well, no.

I didn't get the job. That's fine. I didn't really want it anyway. But it was closeby and had a nice office. And he made me feel like I was his dream come true, so I felt a little insulted when I wasn't.

But, at least now I have a chance to try to get on top of getting organized!

Where I've Been

I've just been in hell, basically. I haven't been writing. Part of it is getting in the practice, making it a habit. Yes. Part of it is the torture of the three-year-old.

I'm hoping it's a phase and not a lifestyle - but the 3-year-old thing is driving me nuts. It involves screaming at the top of his lungs - the high-pitched-red-faced SCREAM. It involves hitting and kicking. And perhaps most infuriating of all is the "yes/no" thing. "I want a drink, I'm thirsty" (in ultimate whine voice). I get him a drink. "NO, I don't want a drink!" I take it away. "I want a drink, I'm thirsty!" and repeat process over and over for an hour. Yes, really, an hour. No, i don't continue to bring him a drink. I cut him off, don't give in - it doesn't do any good.

When he's not a monster, he's lovely. Bright, witty, charming. But it's one or the other - totally Jekyll and Hyde.

It's made me into the mom I don't want to be. I can tolerate it relatively well for a half hour or so. After that I start to crack. I yell. I've spanked. I've given him time-outs. I've distracted him. I've tried everything. Nothing seems to help. At the day's end I just feel like I've been beat up. I blamed it on transitioning from daycare to being home twice a week. I've blamed it on him being tired and/or hungry. I've blamed it on moving into an apartment while we remodel. But, it just is.

Yesterday was the ultimate of evil, I think. We're remodelling the house - flood back in April - so we're staying in a vacation rental duplex in Irvington, just 30 blocks or so away from our house. There's a family living below us - they can hear everything. And the kids are always loud - happy or sad or cranky, they're loud. Quinn wouldn't take a nap, and so I said we couldn't go to ice cream, so he started to throw an utter and complete red-faced-screaming tantrum. That woke up nicely napping Reed, who had woken at 5am and needed sleep. So both were screaming - LOUD. I'm sure the family downstairs are counting the days til we leave.

I drag the kids out to the van, which always seems to quiet them for some reason. We do our errands - costco and safeway. Ah, the life. On the way home, I pick up the dog and I take them all to the park just behind the rental place.

Quinn starts the whining as soon as we get out of the car. "I don't want the park. I don't want to leave." He won't play, just sits and whines. I try to get him moving - he won't. Reed's on the play structure, Otto's roaming around the dog area and Quinn's just moping and whining loudly and ultra-annoyingly. I can't take it. If he's going to whine, we'll leave.

I take Reed off the play structure - he starts screaming, of course. I have him flailing and screaming in my arms, slapping me in the face (yes, my 18month-old has taking to slapping me in the face with a determined "UH" as he hits). I have the dog's leash around my wrist and quinn's wrist in my hand and I'm dragging him along while he's SCREAMING now that he doesn't want to leave. I'm getting tangled in Otto's leash. Reed starts to pitch backwards and he headbutt's Quinn in the mouth so now Quinn has a bloody lip. I find a place where i can hook Otto's leash, plop Reed on the ground to throw his fit in the dirt while i put the bloodied Quinn in the car seat.

I get them all home and start dinner and it goes on and on until Dane lays down with Quinn and gets him to go to sleep at 6:15. I put Reed down at 6pm, just because I couldn't take it any longer and let him cry it out til he passed out at 6:45pm. Quinn then woke at 7pm and started right where he left off. I forced some medicine down his throat the way you do to a dog, and then he FINALLY ate the food that i had put out for him (a bowl of cereal after he didn't eat his dinner).

So I hope it's just a phase and that he outgrows it. And that the younger one, Reed, doesn't go through it too. But I'm sure he will and just like most things it'll be easier because we'll know it ends and we'll have been through it.

So that's why I haven't been writing. I've been cooped up with a little monster in a small apartment that's making us all miserable. But we'll be out soon. One more week. And then we'll see.

Work Today, Gone Tomorrow

Hmm, this was from last wednesday - haven't been keeping up with this yet...

I have a job today. Only today, and only for a few hours, but a job none-the-less.

I'm doing some computer training for a designer I used to work with - same one I did the illustrations for last month. She lives on a houseboat and we're working out there, so it'll be nice. And I get to use my expertise, which also feels nice. So much about unemployment is so demoralizing, so it's nice to feel needed and able to have something to contribute.

This morning, Dane left early, so I got the kids ready and we were able to ride the bike and trailer to school. As soon as I had been laid off, one of my first thoughts was that I would ride the kids to their daycare on the bike. Portland is such a wonderful bike town and there are tons of families at the daycare that take their kids to school on their bike. I planned to do just that.

Well, three months later I was ready. We had to clear room in garage to maneuver the bike with trailer in and out. We had to get the wheels pumped up. I had to get a helmet for Quinn so that Reed could wear Quinn's old helmet. And i needed to learn to hook up and de-hook the trailer and learn to ride with it. So, it took three months.

But it was worth it. On the route to Quinn's school (the boys are in different houses of the same organization - one's for the little guys, 0-3, called "the little house" and the other is more the pre-school for the older ones called "the big house"), I pass by more bikes than cars. And the bikes are in all forms - hardcore cyclists, casual commuters, bikes with trailers, bikes with the "little kid" attachment that piggy-backs onto the regular bike and front carriers and european style ones and the oh-so-portland low-rider, feet-forward ones. It's such a more fulfilling way to take the kids to school - I get to have a fun activity with them first thing in the day.

At first, Reed hated the bike - the helmet at least, and being confined in the trailer - he liked sitting on the bike itself and pretending to ride it. He screamed the first 2 rides, and then he would fuss by the last few blocks to school, now he loves it.

Quinn takes toys along for the ride - today it was a buffalo and triceritops. On the way, he wanted me to tell a story about them. Quinn dictates the terms of the story. I say "Once upon a time there was..." and then Quinn will say what the story will be about..."a buffalo and a triceratops" and then i will give the subject ..."who were great friends - but it wasn't always that way." And I told the story of how the buffalo and triceritops became freinds because they both loved to butt heads. If Quinn doesn't approve of the way the story is going he'll interrupt and say, "No! they got in a fight!" or whatnot, so I don't really have much creative freedom in the stories.

After dropping them off to school, I rode to my local Starbucks and redeemed my "free coffee" coupon. They had taste tests this past weekend for their instant coffee. If you did the test, you got a coupon for a free coffee. So Dane and I stopped in every Starbucks we could find and collected about 15 "free coffee" coupons (one of the times I was happy to see a Starbucks on every corner). Hey, I'm unemployed and need to cut corners. Though when we lost Quinn's freshly-purchased reward whale (a $5 finger puppet of a whale that was promised him if he used the toilet all day), and I needed to buy a new one, I figured it was karma punishing me for taking advantage of Starbucks and giving the money to a local-owned private bookstore (so very robin-hood-esque of karma).

Albuminous Scum

The kids are sleeping after they took turns tantruming all morning. Quinn was at the worst of it. He had gotten to bed late and Reed woke him up early (the problem with the boys sharing a room), so that explains it, but doesn't make it any better.

It's a gorgeous spring day today, but I've only been outside in it for maybe 15 minutes. I can't even really explain it, but just the act of taking care of the kids swallows up time like crazy. Between feeding them, cleaning up after them, getting us all dressed, dealing with tantrums, playing, feeding them again, and then cleaning up again - the morning's gone and it's time for nap, and then I'm stuck here indoors.

The biggest factor this morning is that they didn't want out- they wanted to be in. It is perfect autumn weather outside - as bright and sunny as an August day, but cool and crisp and quiet. What I pictured being a stay-at-home mom life to be was to go to the park on a day like this, maybe going in the double-stroller or with them in the bike trailer. And as idyllic as I pictured that, it just takes a lot of coordination and effort to do it. You have to get all the equipment out, make sure everyone is fed and changed before you go (and that you have snacks and diapers for while you're there). And I still haven't mastered watching them both at the park at the same time - each going in separate directions.

Last time I was at the park, and I just came from bashing my shins on the balance beam because i was looking up, following Reed as he ran across the high bridge and trying to get over to Quinn who was climbing up the big slide, and I went SPLAT onto the cedar chips. I saw a mom who had one kid, and he was almost 4, playing in sandbox contentedly and the mom sat there in her beack chair reading. I told her that that is what I pictured going to the park to be like - the kids playing quietly while you sat nearby reading or chatting with friends. For right now, I'm more a matter of trying to keep them (or yourself) from getting seriously injured. Maybe in a couple more years, it'll be easier. I did feel like I accomplished something that day though - before leaving had them both in the swings, coordinated, so i could push one and then the other in perfect rhythm. It was just for a little while, but it was zen-like swinging. And then we went home on the bike and trailer, happy.

This morning, Quinn didn't even want to go to the park, he wanted to stay inside all morning. Wanted to. Finally, Reed made a break for it and went out back on his own and once I told Quinn Reed was playing out back, he finally decided to go. Quinn, of course, refuses to wear clothes when we go outside. I've had to make a rule that if we go out front, he has to wear pants and shoes. Pants because our 6 year old neighbor boy doesn't like it when Quinn's running around naked - it's creepy, he said, and shoes because of the "evil things" - maple tree seed pods have hundreds of tiny transparent stickers that once you get stuck with, take forever to get out. So when Quinn wants to go out, but doesn't want to put his shoes on, he complains, "but, the evil things will get me!" At least the weather getting cooler is making it easier to get clothes on him when he goes outside (I let him go out in just his pants and shoes, but bring the sweatshirt for moments later when he realizes he's cold).

While they sleep, I'm making chicken stock from the carcass of the chicken I cooked last week. I'm not really sure what "albuminous scum" is that I'm supposed to scoop off, and whatever it is, the chicken isn't giving it up. I just figured out the fat is the oil slicks on the top - somehow I thought it was going to come up in while blobs. It's OK, as long as they're asleep, I'll wait for the scum to come.

I think the hardest part of the days home with the kids is just the boredom of it. My first thought this morning was that we'd go to the Children's Museum or OMSI or something fun, just because hanging out at home is getting old. The tantrums killed that idea. I called a friend from the baby group to see if she wanted to come over with her two kids, but didn't hear back (must make those plans ahead of time because I know I'm going to want to hang out with others during the day!). So, instead the morning was feeding and cleaning and looking out the window at the beautiful weather. It's really what they say it is - constantly picking up though the house gets no cleaner and endless laundry. Who wouldn't go nuts doing that all day when you have a brain in your head?

It made me start to think that a full-time job might not be so bad, after all. I had been ruminating over the idea of doing freelance and being able to be part-time and still have the kids a couple days a week. I do cherish that I have this time with them, and that we get to be playmates during the day, but I wonder how long I can do it without just getting too bored?

I went to the bookstore with a friend yesterday and picked up "What Color is Your Parachute?" Despite taking numerous other tests, I'm still hoping that one of them will come up with, "OH, Cathy, THIS is exactly the job that will make you the most fulfilled and it is ..." and give me exactly the one job that would give my life all meaning. Sure, I know it doesn't work like that, but I can still wish for it.

Besides, how many people do you know who genuinely totally love their jobs and their jobs are a perfect fit? I know a handful. The majority of people that I know are OK with their jobs most of the time, but it's not like it was their great calling. The thing with being out of a job, is you go back to ground zero and want it all. Not that it's a bad thing, it's a good place to start - wanting a job that you're passionate about, with people that you love, that makes tons of money and is a good work/life balance. It's just at some point reality will kick in, and it will look like no more unemployment money coming in, and then it's taking whatever you can get, which is still slim pickings at this point.

My friend who went with me to the bookstore, who is unemployed too and thus going to bookstores at 2pm on a Monday, was talking about doing a group where we all do the "parachute" exercises together. That sounds much more fun than doing them on my own.

OK, now i go "network". I am supposed to freelance tomorrow - the person I freelanced for last month wants me to teach her the computer. And I contacted a freelancer I used to hire a lot to get some inside tips on what the freelancing world is like and how you do it successfully.

And when they wake up, like it or not, they are going outside and we'll take a bike ride.

Rubbing the Chicken

I feel that one of the primary responsibilities now that I'm a "housewife" is that I have dinner ready. Thing is, I don't know how to cook. I don't particularly like to cook. And, I feel I have to cook from scratch - or, at least close to it.

I do feel this is a valid responsibility. It's better for the family. The boys (I have a 3 year old and a 17 month old) are always ready to eat when they get home at 5:30pm.

We decided to keep the boys in daycare 3 days a week. That would give them 2 days to be home with me (and allow us to save $500/month) and 3 days open for me to look for work. The problem with looking for work is that I don't quite know what I want to do with my life. I happened upon my last job - well, my last career in graphic design / management. I don't want to stumble into my next career. I want it to be intentional. I'm nearly 40 and it's time to figure out what I want to do with my life and do it.

Today was one of the days the boys were in daycare. I spent the first 2 hours of the day checking out craigslist and the like looking at jobs. It wasn't pleasant. Then my husband and I went back to the cabinet maker for about the 5th time to change our order (our house flooded in May and we are just getting around to nearly making a commitment on what we want to replace what we had). On my way home I popped into Trader Joe's, spontaneously picked up a whole chicken and decided I would roast the bugger.

I thought being responsible for dinner would be straight-forward. After all, it's just dinner. We ate dinner when I was working. But when I was working, everything I cooked came next-to ready-made from Trader Joe's - barbeque chicken, orange chicken, frozen fish, etc. We'd stock up on Sunday and whoever got home first would throw together dinner from whatever we grabbed from the freezer.

Well, like everything so far about being a housewife, having dinner ready is more complicated than I expected. The first thing is that you have to have recipes. You have to have a "menu" of what you're going to make during the week, planned for it, shopped for the ingredients, etc. Being new at this, I am doing this day-by-day rather than planning the week (which is my goal for the future). In the morning (or, more often, at 3pm) I'll think about what we should have for dinner, look in the fridge and figure out what to make.

So, I've started reading my husband's cooking magazines. Bust most of the "quick" recipes don't work for me. They're often fish, which is OK, just a little foreign to me on how to cook most fish. Or they're just not something I would like.

Ages ago I asked my stay-at-home mom friends what they cook. One mentioned roast chicken, which was my favorite dinner as a kid.

What I realize now is that i don't need "quick" recipes, I need "easy" recipes. It's OK if it has to cook for 2 hours, I'll be around. Just make it simple.

And it was simple enough. Except for rubbing the butter on the chicken - it just slides off. And it's much more intimate an experience than I care to have with a chicken - massaging butter all over it's body. Oh, and the giblet bag thingee kind of exploded while I was trying to get it out. I pulled and coaxed, but it wouldn't come out. Finally, the little baggie tore and the innards oozed out and i was able to birth the bag from the chicken. Especially as an 10-year vegetarian, not pleasant. I've only been recarnivorous for 5 years or so and the more carnal foods - lobster, meat on bones, etc., still disturb me.

But it felt good to have a roast chicken ready when all the boys got home. Quinn helped me make the gravy, which i didn't realize had to be cooked but then we cooked it. And he poured in the left over chicken stock into it when i had my back turned, and then the extra flour, and really Dane ended up fixing it, but it was almost there.

Then when eating dinner, i was worried I'd undercooked the bird. I tested the temperature, which it said to test at the thigh - so i tested the drumstick and it was fine. Dane told me the drumstick isn't the thigh. I'm not great on chicken anatomy, but I still can't figure out why the drumstick wouldn't be the thigh - if it's not the thigh, what is it? The Shin? Does't make sense. But no one got sick.

So for a real easy dinner (not quick, but easy), here's what I used:
http://find.myrecipes.com/recipes/recipefinder.dyn?action=displayRecipe&recipe_id=1654627

How To Be A Housewife

In May I was laid off after being at the same company for 12 years. In that 12 years I went from being single and living on my own to being married with 2 kids. Last time I was unemployed I was single, paid rent, but that was the extent of my obligations. Now that I'm unemployed, I have to be the "housewife" - a role I've never coveted, and one that I'm not naturally good at - while I'm looking for my next career.

Thing is, I'm determined to be good at whatever I do. And, if it's my lot to be a housewife, even for a little while, I want to be good at it. I do think it will make me a better mom, a better wife, and just more organized in general. I wanted to write about it knowing that there are a lot of people out there who are going through the same work transitions.

Here's what I came across on the internet on How To Be A Good Housewife from a 1954 Home Economics Text Book:

~~~~~~~~~~

HOW TO BE A GOOD WIFE

Home Economics High School Text Book, 1954

Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal, on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.

Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so that you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.

Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the home just before your husband arrives, gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift, too.

Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair, and if necessary change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.

Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad he is home.

Some don'ts: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't complain if he is late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day. Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.

Listen to him. You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.

Make the evening his. Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to be home and relax.

The Goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.

~~~~~~~~~~

Yeah - so, that's not going to happen. Welcome to 2009. This is not going to be my experience. My goal is to come up with a new definition of what it means to be a housewife in this decade, as equal partners, gender-neutral. We'll see how it goes.